Let's Make A Deal

Let’s Make A Deal
LMF
4 Apr. 97

“You can’t get in.”
“What d’ya mean, I can’t get in?”
“Just that, it says hear, that you can’t get in. Now would you please step to the side their are others in line.”
“Wait a second. I know I haven’t been a Saint or anything but that don’t mean I should be damned. Why don’t you look in that big book of yours and find out just what the problem is.”
“Well I guess it wouldn’t be that much of a problem.”
“Hay, what’s going on up there? What’s the hold up.”
“Shut up and wait your turn. You found the place yet.”
“Almost . . . Ah hear it is.
Jonathan Edward Faust.
Born December 16, 1971 at 2200.
Mother: Dorothy Francis (Willow) Faust
Father: Jonathan William Faust
Place of Birth: . . . “
“Yeah, yeah that’s me. Just skip all that stuff and get to the good parts.”
“Well let’s see . . . at the age of 12 you stole $50.00 from your grandmo.. “
“I was just borrowing that! I was going to pay it back, honest.”
“Hummm, when you were 13 you repeatedly “coped a feel” of Mary Ann Logan.”
“She liked it, I swear that she did.”
“I guess that’s why she repeatedly ‘kneed’ you in the groin.”
“Ok. Whatever, just get on with it this is where it starts to get better.”
“I’ll be the judge of that. Let’s see, in 1985 you risked your life to save a high school class mate, during a chemistry experiment gone bad.”
“Keep going, there’s more.”
“In 1986 you skipped school, stole a car, and drove to San Francisco. While you were there you pulled a young woman and her child from their burning car.”
“Not bad for a sophomore in high school.”
“Don’t get a big head, you’re not in yet.”
“Sorry.”
“In 1990 your first year of collage you, ironically traveled 20 miles out of your way to school. In doing so you saved the life of a 6 year old child, who was about to be hit by a car while playing in his front yard.”
“On October 1, 1995 while at the Quickie Mart, you stopped a bullet with your head, that was meant for your girlfriend.”
“There see I told you! It would be a crime not to let me in.”
“Hold on there is one more entry. Immediately following the shooting you made a deal with the Devil. Under paragraph 191, subparagraph 54, section A of the Standards and Procedures of Conduct, you can’t get in.”
“ No! Now wait just a second.”
“Look I’ve done about all that I can do for you Mr. Faust.”
“Please, just let me explain. I was duped, I swear.”
“Ok. Go ahead.”
“I’ll start from the beginning.”
“ I think that would be appropriate.”

“It started, when me and Jane walked into the Quickie Mart to get some rub . . . ere I mean something to drink. One minuet we’re waiting in line and the next there’s this punk kid with a gun waving it around. The next thing I know, he’s taking aim at Jane. Well he was too far away for me to get to him so I did the next best thing; I got in the way. For a while there was only darkness. Then there was this strange guy standing over me and I couldn’t seem to think straight. Not really knowing at the time what was going on I asked what seemed to me to be a very logical question.”

“Who are you?”
“Me? Well I’m the Devil.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, really. Watch this.”
“Laughing at some joke, he snapped his fingers and a small flame appeared. To my suprise I could see his face.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Believe it.”
“Your George Burns!”
“Oh, shut the fuck up! I’m the Devil I tell you.”
“Ok. So you’re the Devil and the Devil is George Burns.”
“Then he did something very strange, he stippled his hands, threw his head back and started to pray.”
“Father, Father, what crime did I commit, that I am forced to work with such imbeciles?”
“He then seemed to get serious again.”
“That looks like it hurts.”
“What looks like it hurts?”
“That small hole between your eyes and the larger one where the back of your head use to be.”
“Oh, that. Well it hurt quite a bit at first, but now it only feels a little tender.”
“I’ll bet it does.”
“Am I dead?”
“Well let’s examine the situation. You got shot at close range with a 9mm, between the eyes. The round, which is not that large at all, entered your skull and then proceeded to blossom to about the size of a quarter. As it exited the rear of your skull it sucked approximately 99% of your brain matter with it. Which, now that I think of it is probably, why I’m having so much trouble communicating with you. Anyway, to answer your question yes. No wait, not just yes, but HELL YES! You’re fucking dead!”
“That’s what I thought. Do you mind if I ask another question?”
“Why the fuck not?”
“I’ll take that as a yes. What I wanted to know was, well, I know that you said that your name was The Devil and all, but since, you know, you look like George Burns, I was wondering if I could just call you George.”
“NO! You can call me Devil, Mr. Devil, Satin, Lucifer, or any other name, but not under any circumstances will you call me George Burns, or any variation there of! As a matter of fact you will never mention that name to me again! HAVE I MADE MY SELF CLEAR!”
“Yes, sir!”
“Good, now lets get down to business.”
“Speaking of business, exactly what is our business?”
“If you would shut the fuck up for one moment, then I would tell you what our business is, you stupid, rotting, corpse!”
“Ok, ok. I’m Sorry.”
“Ok, hears my offer. I’ll let you go back to any point in your life and start over. You will have all of your memories and you will be able to change any aspect of your life that you want to. You must keep in mine, however, that memory is often clouded and things which don’t seem that bad now were probably hell the first time through.”
I must admit that I was pretty sure that I did not know what the hell he was talking about, so I figured that I would approach this situation with a little caution.
“Ok, sounds great, but what do you get from this deal.”
“Well it’s very simple really. If, when you come back to the point in your
life, where you are suppose to stop that bullet with your head; you die, then I get you. If you don’t, then you go on your way, as you see fit.”
Now wait a second, something just don’t seem right about this. If I could only remember what happened. Fuck if I could just remember anything in its entirety. Seems like I can remember someone telling me not to make deals with the Devil, but shit I can’t even remember who the Devil is. Screw it, if I get my memories back then I’ll be able to stop myself from getting killed.
“Ok, I’ll do it, but first answer me one more question.”
“What?”
“Will I still have this hole in my head?”
“Sometimes I really hate this job.”

“So you see, I didn’t know what I was doing when I made the deal. I didn’t even know that at the time that I was suppose to die that there was know way to save my life unless I forfeited Jane’s. I guess you could say that I gave my life twice for her.”
“I must admit that this is the best one I’ve heard yet.”
“It’s all true I swear!”
“Oh, I know it’s all true, you can’t lie, at least not hear. The only problem is that you are still in a legally binding contract with the Devil.”
“Wait the contract should be null and void.”
“Why?”
“He never said that he wanted my soul in the deal.”
“Haven’t you heard of the saying “Buyer beware.”
“Well yes, but I was in such a debilitated mental state that there was no way that I could have been responsible for what I said or agreed to.”
“Ok, then answer one more question. If you had all of your memories, why did you go into the Quickie Mart the second time.”
“That’s another thing that that bastard didn’t tell me, my memories faded over time and by the time I got back to the point of my death I barley remembered even making a deal with the Devil. Don’t you see, that bastard set me up!”
“Good point. I’ll tell you what I’m going to let you in, but if you don’t behave your self, you’re right back out. Is that understood?”
“Yes, sir!”